A Too-Small Thank You for a Very Big Thing

by Fox

I slept last night. And it’s a far bigger deal than it sounds. Because I’ve not been sleeping. I’ve not really been functioning. I’ve been anxious and scared and angry all the time. Interacting with people sends me reeling, wondering how they see me, second guessing my value in any situation, convinced that everyone’s just putting up with me.

I’ve been exhausted, but not sleeping; unable to switch my brain off, and terrified of the resulting nightmares if I do.

I don’t feel safe in my own skin, and the more I realise that, the harder it is to ignore. Social transitioning’s helped. Tiny physical changes at the gym have helped. I get glimpses of what it’s like to feel comfortable and confident, and it’s wonderful, but the more I find that, the harder the other moments are. It’s why transitioning is important, and why waiting-list limbo has become impossible for me.

It’s been bleak, lately. I couldn’t see a way out, and I’ve been thisclose to giving up on everything.

Not all of this is transition related; there’s a lot of overwhelming stuff right now – but it’s a massive, inescapable part of it. But last night, for the first time in months, I went to bed with more peace than crippling fear. And I slept.

You did that. I’m a long way off of surgery, but I’m suddenly in a position to take that first step – to jump the 19 month queue for a first appointment at a Gender Identity Clinic. Suddenly I’m not in this endless swirly black hole of waiting. And that’s because of you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. <3333

One thought on “A Too-Small Thank You for a Very Big Thing

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *